Day 4: Door-to-door Salvation

Sunday.

I hate Sundays.
I LOVE Sundaes, but I hate Sundays.

Sunday is the day the Jehovah's Witnesses come out. They come to my door about twice a month. They knock on my door and put papers in my mail slot. THAT SLOT IS FOR OFFICIAL U.S. MAIL! It's a CRIME for them to use it.  I yell and yell until they go away. Sometimes I squirt at them with the squirt gun I use when Reginald is bad.

They scare Reginald too. He hides under the couch when they come, then I have to coax him out with peanut butter crackers. This week he couldn't get under the couch because it's broken.

Reginald: Scared

Day 3 - Broken Furniture & Philosophy

The hamburgers I made last night were very good, I could have used a little more mayo, but we can only strive for perfection. There were some nasty kids drag racing their hot rod cars last night. I called the police, but hung up when they wanted to know my name and address. I'm a tax payer! I pay their salary!

This morning my couch broke. I was just sitting their watching Paula Deen (Reginald's favorite show) when one of the legs collapsed. I guess they just don't make things like they used to. I was able to wedge an old phone book and some "Healthy Living" cook books under the broken leg to prop it up.

I guess I can thank my Sister Nadine for sending them to me now. When I moved the cook books I found a menu you for Sal's Pizza, so it wasn't all bad news. They say when life closes a door, it opens a window...that doesn't really apply to me (I nailed all my windows shut to keep out burglars and Jehovah's witnesses)...My new saying will be "When life crushes a couch, it gives you a menu."

All this heavy lifting has taken a lot out of me. I think I'm going to make some popcorn and lie down.

Day 2 - Kevin & the Food Wagon

I placed my Peapod order yesterday. That service is wonderful, before it came to my area I had rely on friends and neighbors to help me with grocery shopping. Most of the time I would just eat some MRE's because I can order them in bulk over the internet.

Peapod is nicer, you don't get Haagen Daz in an MRE! The driver of the Food Wagon is Kevin, he's one of the few people that I allow into my home. I used to ask him to leave the bags outside by the front door, but that all changed after I locked myself outside last year. I still think Reginald pushed the door closed, but I don't know it was done on purpose or as a joke.

Reginald: Possibly locked me out of the house

Tonight I'm going to make hamburgers for dinner.

Day 1 - The Routine

Just because you're not going to leave the house doesn't mean you can stay in bed all day.
There are cats to be fed, virtual farms to tend to and SOMEONE has to peer out the curtains at those awful neighborhood children.

6:00AM, Reginald woke me up, he's hungry. I went to the cupboard but there is no wet food left, dry kibble will have to suffice. While he's crunching away I microwave up a plate of breakfast sausages and toast some waffles. Don't judge me. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

I like to watch the news during breakfast, but I don't know why.
War, murder, financial collapse....there is never any good news. It's going to rain this week. I wouldn't want to be outside in the cold rain. I'd probably slip, fall, break my pelvis and get run over by someone driving while texting.

After a shower I settled onto the couch to watch some CSI and post this, but I'm out of pretzels.

No pretzels, no kibble.....I should probably do a Peapod order...

And so it begins...

This blog shall serve as a companion of sorts to my friend Sarwah's blog, "City Wren Goes Country".

Sarwah is an outdoorsy type. I am not.
She is hiking the Appalachian Trail. I will not.

While Sarwah braves the wilderness with her followers, you and I will take another journey.
Don't worry, I'm not speaking of a physical journey. I don't get out that much.
The world is a frightful place, and doors are narrow and troublesome.

Instead I'm going to take you on a light-hearted adventure into the life of a morbidly obese agoraphobe.

I'm gonna wrap this up for now, don't want to run out of things to say...and my fingers get numb and tingly if I type too long.